"If you're gnawing on a turkey bone while I'm lecturing, I'm probably not going to like that" - Bernhard

"I could stand in front of it and block out any sexual sound effects" - Bernhard

"I would rather have my appendix removed a second time" - Bernhard

"You will not have a long trial. You will be immediately executed" - Bernhard

"You could use a baking soda or vinegar douche" - Ballog

"I'm gonna do you with a golf tee" - Wes C.

"... Putting bamboo shoots under your fingernails"- Bernhard

"Or you could be picking pubic hairs out of bedsheets"- Ballog

"If you know how to use a semi-colon, save it for someone who cares" - Bernhard

"You have to kill an antelope with a stick" - Philip H.

"I'm outta control" - Fulton

"He's terrible. I think he should be shot... he should burn in Hell" - Bernhard

"God help the robots" - Bernhard

"I want my book of porn back? Why are you saying that to me? I didn't take it" - Amanda S.

"As I walk down the hall, you should be throwing flowers at my feet" - Bernhard

"We should invest in 3 or 4 hungry lions" - Bernhard

"The whole purpose of sex is to mix it up... you don't want to self pollinate" - Ballog

"Pistil packin' mommas" - Ballog

"You could use this as a weapon if you were an Indian"- Bernhard

"In the water, it wold be low resistance" - Bernhard

"I will assume that if a person is missing, that all of their family members have been murdered, and that all of their limbs have been amputated. I find those kind of excuses pleasing" - Bernhard

"I'm a sponge for quotes" - Bernhard

"Mating with donkeys? No, we have websites for that"- Ballog

"It's kinda, I dunno, what do you guys call it, ghetto" - Eager

"You guys, quiet down, she's about to shave her other leg" - Bernhard

"If I feel you are doing that, you will be academically crucified" - Bernhard

"Can you imagine if 10% of our government was addicted to crack? We would be, like, bombing penguins and stuff" - Eager

"Jonah, I know you get excited by dinosaurs, but keep it under control" - Bernhard

"Maybe geography titillates you in some way" - Eager

"What would you do if I was your baby girl?- Kylie D.
"I would spank you really hard" - Kyle A.

"If I was less arrogant, I'd be perfect" - Ben S.

"We're going to have some nerd-on-nerd action"- Trevor U.

"You should see my John Nash centerfold" - Ben S.

"Having forceps stuck up my vagina would hurt"
- Veronica B.

"I like em' young" - Veronica B.

"Stop reading my breasts!" - Veronica B.

"My hooker name is Veronica Donefast" - Veronica B.

"It's like you go into labor and give birth to a banana" - Ballog

"No Wes, you can't pull it out yet!" - Chandler T.

"I've broken a few beds in my time, but not from jumping on them" - Bernhard

"I wouldn't advise you to dance naked around the May Pole in happiness and glee" - Bernhard

"It doesn't matter if you're male, female, or gay" - Bernhard

"I hope you can hold true to that if you were having your legs amputated without medication" - Bernhard

"Is an alliteration the same as being illiterate?" - Michela M.

"For a Blue Ribbon school, it's to bad we can't get water that's not going to wipe out our livers" - Bernhard

"I could imagine you being very wealthy and owning a chain of car washes" - Bernhard

"It's the most fun you can have in Biology, other than killing stuff with molecules and shit" - Jonah J.

"Stop fingering the molecules" - Wes C.

"We'll go over the pregnant woman first" - Kramer

"And hydrogen says- I'll go find a friend and we can have a 3-way" - Ballog

"I would move to Maine and be naked" - Philip H.

"So you have all of these high bunnies running around with the munchies" - Ballog

"And chlorine says "are you like me?", and sodium says "yes, I'm positive" - Ballog

"I firmly believe that everybody is entitled to my opinion" - Wyatt J.

"If you've lost a pint of blood, and I have a pint and a half, and you'll die if you don't get it, you may want to consider giving an oral presentation" - Bernhard

"Don't you hate that? Like in Ghandi- I didn't realize he was gonna die!" - Nick R.

"I smoke a lotta lotta weed. See? Double plural." - Marshall B.

"It's like one of the ones you have in the shower. Except you had this one in Calculus." - Chandler T.

"If New York was a person, I would teabag the shit out of it" - Marshall B.